Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear Page 2

  When Friday rolled around John showed up at Bill’s house at two o’clock sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum they went to the bedroom and closed the deal. Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

  As usual Bill came home from work at six, and upon entering the house asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house today?”

  With a lump in her throat Sue answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”

  Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you five hundred dollars?”

  In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out - and after mustering her best poker face replied, “Well, yes, as a matter of fact he did.”

  Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed the money from me, and promised he’d stop by this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

  Now THAT is a poker player!

  CHRISTMAS PARTY

  Tom had been in the liquor business for twenty-five years. Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought fifty acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week, and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

  After six months or so of almost total isolation someone knocked on his door. He opened it and saw a huge, bearded man standing there.

  “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. I’m having a Christmas party Friday night, and thought you might like to come.”

  “Great,” said Tom, “after six months out here I’m ready to meet some of the local folks. Thank you.”

  As Lars was leaving he stopped and said, “Gotta warn you... there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

  “Not a problem,” said Tom. “After twenty-five years in the liquor business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

  Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. “More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

  “Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

  “More’n likely be some wild sex, too.”

  “Now that’s really not a problem,” said Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

  “Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us…”

  COWBOY UP

  Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

  “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other cowboy. “What is it?”

  “Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup one of her breasts in each hand and whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s.’ Then you try and stay on for eight seconds!”

  I HAVE A PLAN

  Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two, but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of fifty pence.

  Murphy said, “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher’s shop, and came out with one large sausage.

  Shamus said, “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!”

  Murphy replied, “Don’t worry laddy, just follow me.”

  They went into the first pub they saw, where Murphy happily ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

  Shamus said, “Now you’ve really lost it! Do you know the trouble we’ll be in? We haven’t got any money!”

  Murphy replied with a smile, “Don’t you worry, lad, I have a plan. Cheers!”

  They downed their drinks, and Murphy said, “Okay, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper, and you go down on your knees and put it in your mouth.” Just as Murphy had planned the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

  They continued doing this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk – and all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, “Murphy, I don’t think I can do any more o’ this. I’m drunk, and me knees are killin’ me!”

  Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I lost the bloody sausage in the third pub!”

  ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH

  A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awakened around eight that evening. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He then slipped into his shoes and drove home.

  “Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

  “Darling, I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary, and we’ve been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

  The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf again!”

  FAMILY RESEMBLANCE

  There was a middle aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters who decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. After months of trying the wife finally got pregnant, and sure enough delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son, took one look, and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no possible way he could be the father of that child.

  “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”

  The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Well, not this time!”

  PRIVATE PARTS

  A mortician was working late one night examining dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he was amazed. Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with such a tremendously huge tallywacker as this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

  With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s unit. He then stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

  “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said as he opened up his briefcase.

  “Oh my God!” the wife suddenly screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”

  COMMON COURTESY

  A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

  “Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner, and don’t move.”

  She then quickly rubbed baby oil all over his body and dusted him with some talcum powder.

  “Don’t move a muscle until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

  “What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

  “Oh… it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom, and I liked it so much I got one for us too.”

  No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

  “Here,” he said to the statue, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water!”

  TIT FOR TAT

  A man walked into a nightclub one night, went up to the bar, and asked for a beer.

  “Certainly sir, that’ll be one cent.”

  “One cent?!” exclaimed the man. “That’s unbelievable!”

  The man then glanced at the menu and asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a
fried egg?”

  “Certainly, sir,” replied the barman, “but that comes to real money.”

  “How much?” inquired the man.

  “Four cents,” the bartender replied.

  “Four Cents?!” exclaimed the surprised man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

  The bartender replied, “He’s upstairs with my wife.”

  The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

  The bartender replied, “Basically, the same thing I’m doing to his business!”

  FINAL CONFESSION

  As Jake was dying, his wife Becky was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face, and her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

  “Becky my darling,” he whispered.

  “Hush my love,” she said. “Rest… don’t try to talk.”

  He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I must confess something.”

  “There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything’s all right. Now go to sleep.”

  “No… I can’t. I must die in peace, Becky. I must tell you... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend… and your mother!”

  “Yes, I know my darling,” whispered Becky. “Now just close your eyes, and let the poison work.”

  NIGHT ON THE TOWN

  Two old men who were feeling close to their last days on earth decided to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they ended up at the local brothel.

  The madam took one look at the two geezers and whispered to her manager, “Go up to the first two rooms and put an inflated doll on each bed. I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. These two are so old and drunk they won’t know the difference.”

  The two men went up the stairs and took care of their business. As they were walking home afterward the first one said, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”

  “Dead?” said his friend, “Why would you think that?”

  “Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her…”

  His friend said, “That’s nothing. I think mine was a witch!”

  “A witch? Why would you say that?”

  “Well, I was making love to her and kissing her neck, and when I gave it a little bite… she farted and flew right out the damn window!”

  DROP THE SOAP

  Two priests were off to the showers late one night, and had undressed and stepped into the stalls before they realized there was no soap. Father John said he had some soap in his room and went to get it, not bothering to dress.

  He grabbed two bars of soap, one in each hand, and headed back to the showers. He was halfway down the hall when he saw three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stood against the wall and froze like a statue.

  The nuns stopped and commented on how lifelike he looked.

  Then the first nun suddenly reached out and pulled on his manhood.

  Startled, he dropped a bar of soap.

  “Oh look,” said the first nun, “it’s a soap dispenser.”

  To test her theory, the second nun also pulled on his manhood... and sure enough, he dropped the second bar of soap.

  Then the third nun decided to have a go.

  She pulled once, then twice, and three times - but nothing happened. Frustrated, she gave several more tugs, and then finally yelled, “Mary, Mother of God - hand lotion too!”

  SEX FROG

  A beautiful, well endowed young blonde went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said:

  Sex Frogs! $20 each! Comes with Money Back Guarantee! (Complete instructions included).

  The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”

  The man packaged the frog and said, “Make sure to follow the instructions carefully.” The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and was quickly on her way home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment she took out the instructions, read them thoroughly, and did exactly what it said to do:

  1. Take a shower.

  2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.

  3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.

  4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down “there.”

  She then quickly got into bed with the frog, and to her surprise nothing happened! The girl was totally frustrated, and quite upset at this point. She then re-read the instructions and noticed at the bottom of the paper it said, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.”

  So she called the pet store. The man said, “I had some other complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over!”

  Within five minutes the man was ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomed him in and said, “I’ve done everything according to the instructions, and the damn thing just sits there.”

  The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes and sternly said, “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

  TRUE CONFESSION

  A cabbie picked up a Nun, and when she got into the cab the driver wouldn’t stop staring at her. She asked him why he was staring, and he replied, “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

  She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

  “Well, I’ve always fantasized about having a nun kiss me.”

  She responded, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. Number one, you have to be single, and number two, you must be Catholic.”

  The cab driver was very excited and said, “Yes, I’m single, and I’m Catholic!”

  “Okay then,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they got back on the road the cab driver started crying.

  “My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

  “Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess – I’m married, and I’m really Jewish.”

  The nun said, “That’s okay. My name is Kevin, and I’m on my way to a Halloween party!”

  NO MORE FOR YOU!

  A little boy went down to breakfast. Since his family lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” he replied.

  His mother told him there would be no breakfast until he did them. He was a little upset, so as he went to feed the chickens he kicked one. Then, as he went to feed the cows, he kicked one of them. Finally, as he went to feed the pigs, he kicked one of them.

  When he went back in for breakfast his mother gave him just a bowl of dry cereal.

  “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? And why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asked.

  “Well,” his mother said, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

  Just then his father came down for breakfast, obviously in a bad mood, and kicked the cat halfway across the kitchen.

  The little boy looked up at his mother with a smile and said, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

  FROZEN SKUNK

  A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

  It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”

  He said, “Okay. Get in the car with it.”

  “Where shall I put it to get
it warm?”

  He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.”

  “But what about the smell?” she asked.

  “It’ll be okay. Just hold its nose!” he replied.

  The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she beat him with died at the scene.

  MOBY DICK’S SON

  Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly the male whale spotted a ship in the distance and recognized it as the whaling ship that killed his father.

  Filled with anger, he said to his female companion, “That’s the ship that killed my father! Let’s swim closer!”

  When they were close enough the male said, “Why don’t we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break it into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge.”

  The female agreed.

  They each took a deep breath of air, swam underwater, and blew enormous amounts of air under the hull. The ship flew into the air, crashed back to the sea, and broke into a million pieces.

  The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were not dead, but were instead clinging to pieces of wood floating in the ocean.