Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear Page 3
The male whale was furious, and said to the female whale, “They’re still alive, but I’ve got another idea. Let’s swim around and gobble up all the sailors!”
That’s when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, “Oh no... I agreed to the blow job, but I’m NOT swallowing any seamen!”
THE RICH HOOKER
A guy was walking along the strip in Las Vegas when a knockout looking hooker caught his eye. He struck up a conversation, and eventually asked the hooker, “How much do you charge?”
Hooker replied, “It starts at five hundred dollars for a hand-job.”
The guy said, “Five hundred dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker said, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” said the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own them… and I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth five hundred dollars.”
The guy said, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try,” and they retired to a nearby motel.
A short time later the guy was sitting on the bed, realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of five hundred dollars. He was so amazed he said, “I suppose a blow-job is a thousand dollars?”
The hooker replied, “Fifteen hundred.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replied, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own it outright… and I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of fifteen hundred dollars.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decided to put off the new car for another year or so and said, “Okay, sign me up!”
Twenty minutes later he was sitting on the bed, more amazed than before. He could scarcely believe it, but he felt he had truly gotten his money’s worth. He then decided to dip into the retirement savings for one last glorious and unforgettable experience.
He then asked the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker said, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, the gambling palaces, and the showplaces?”
“Damn!” the guy said in awe, “You own the whole city?”
“No,” the hooker replied, “but I would if I had a pussy!”
ELDER SEX
A Florida couple, both well into their seventies, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor raised both eyebrows, but was so amazed that such an elderly couple was asking for sexual advice that he agreed.
When the couple finished the doctor said, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanked them for coming, wished them good luck, charged them fifty dollars, and said goodbye.
The next week the couple returned and asked the sex therapist to watch again. He was a bit puzzled, but agreed.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple made an appointment, had intercourse with no problems, paid the doctor, and then left. Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine the doctor said, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married, and we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to mine. The Holiday Inn charges ninety-eight dollars. The Hilton charges two hundred. But we can do it here for fifty dollars - and I get forty-three back from Medicare!”
SENSITIVITY TEST FOR MEN
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
1. Lovemaking.
2. Screwing.
3. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve shared:
1. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
2. Your blood-test results.
3. Five tequila slammers.
3. You should time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
1. Healthy, creative love-play.
2. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
3. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. One hundred dollars extra.
6. Your wife says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her it:
A. Does not influence your affection for her.
B. Is not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. Is a conservative estimate.
7. You think today’s sensitive man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
1. “I hope we can still be friends.”
2. “I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.”
3. “Dumpsville, population YOU.”
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
1. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
2. Is uptight and a waste of time.
3. Shouldn’t have sat near you on the bus!
THE PICKLE SLICER
Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory, and for many years had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help. After six months his therapist gave up and advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, or he would probably never have peace of mind.
The next day he came home from work very early. His wife Sarah became alarmed, and wanted to know what had happened. Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire, and went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired from his job.
Sarah gasped and quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts - only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
She looked up and said, “I… I don’t understand. What about the pickle slicer?”
Yossel replied, “I think she got fired too!”
BALL FOUR
An Irishman immigrated to the USA and attended his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batter’s box, took a few swings, and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, “Run! Run!”
The next batter hit a single. The Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered, “RUN! RUN!” The Irishman was enjoying the game, and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and drew a walk. The umpire called, “Take your base!” The batter started his slow trot to first base, and he Irishman screamed, “Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!”
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan, noting the man’s embarrassment, leaned over and said, “He doesn’t have to run – he’s got four balls.”
So the Irishman stood up and screamed, “Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride!”
LITT
LE BLUE PILL
An older man went to the doctor and asked for a prescription for Viagra. The physician looked him over and said, “Viagra can be very dangerous, and we don’t dispense it indiscriminately. Bring your wife to my office next week and we’ll discuss this in detail.”
The following week the man showed up with his wife. The doctor asked to see the wife by herself for a few moments, and she followed him back to the examining room.
The doctor asked her to disrobe, and she did. He then asked her to turn around 360 degrees a few times, and instructed her to get up on the examining table and get into various positions. He then told her she could get dressed and went out to meet the male patient.
“Sir,” the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with you. I couldn’t get an erection either!”
HOLY HOT DOGS
Two Irish nuns had just arrived in the USA by boat, and one said to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“That’s odd,” her companion replied, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” said one.
The vendor was only too pleased to oblige, and wrapped both hot dogs in foil and handed them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their ‘dogs.’
The mother superior was first to open hers. She began to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, “What part did you get?”
TWO BROTHERS
There were once two brothers. One was very good and always tried to live right and be helpful to others. His brother on the other hand was bad, did all the things that men should not do in life, and didn’t care who he hurt.
Then one day the bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother, since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother also died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him. God said that he was sorry, but his brother had lived a terrible life and had gone to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother, and God gave him the power of vision so he could see into Hell - and there was his brother, sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, “I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment.”
God said unto him, “Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has no hole in it, and the blonde doesn’t either!”
QUICK THINKING
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane, and soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip, or vacation?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business… the Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” he said. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained... “one popular myth is that African-American men are the best endowed, when in fact it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent. We have also found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable, and blushed.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“It’s Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba!”
CLOSE CALL
Three girls worked in an office with the same female boss, and each day they noticed that the boss left work early.
One day the three girls decided that when their boss left, they would leave shortly after her. After all, she never came back to work - so she would never know they had gone home early too.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son, and enjoyed her evening.
The redhead was pleased to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom she heard noises coming from inside. Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day during their coffee break the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and asked the blonde if she was going to do likewise.
“No way,” the blonde exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
TEXAS WOMAN
A West Texas cowboy’s wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With the super-human strength borne of fury and cutting calves, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out in back of the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter’s saw. The banged up cowboy was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer. You can do whatever you want...”
JACK AND DEBRA
The boss was in quandary. The company was down-sizing, and he had to fire somebody in the office.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people - Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, since they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night, and went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, “Debra, I’ve never had to do this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
“Could you please jack off?” she said. “I feel like shit this morning...”
THE TOAST
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me beautiful wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me beautiful wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I must say I was a bit surprised. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!”
THE FACE LIFT
A middle-aged woman decided to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spent eight thousand dollars, and felt great about the results. On her way home, she stopped at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she said to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About thirty-two,” was the reply.
“I’m exactly forty-seven,” the woman said happily.
A little while later she went into McDonald’s and asked the counter girl, “How old do you think I am?”
“I guess about twenty-nine.”
The woman excitedly replied, “Nope, I’m forty-seven!”