Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear Read online

  Now she was feeling really great about herself. On her way down the street, she asked everyone in sight her question.

  While waiting for the bus to go home, she asked an old retired man the same question.

  He replied, “Lady, I’m seventy-eight and my eyesight is going… but when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are.”

  They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She blurted out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

  The man slipped both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and began to feel around very slowly and carefully.

  After a couple of minutes of this she said, “Okay, that’s enough... how old am I?”

  The old man completed one last squeeze of her breasts, removed his hands and said, “Madam, you are forty-seven years old.”

  Stunned and amazed, the woman said, “That was incredible! How could you possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?”

  The man replied, “It’s simple. I was in line behind you at McDonald’s!”

  BABY TEXAN

  A Texan was drinking in a New York bar when he got a call on his cell phone. He hung up grinning from ear to ear, ordered a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, and announced that his wife had produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty-five pounds.

  Nobody could believe that any new baby could weigh that much, but the Texan just shrugged, “That’s about average down home, folks... like I said, my son’s a typical Texas baby boy.”

  Congratulations showered him from all around, and there were many exclamations of, “WOW!” One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

  Two weeks later he returned to the bar.

  The bartender said, “Say, aren’t you the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed twenty-five pounds at birth? Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?”

  The proud father answered, “Seventeen pounds.”

  The bartender was puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. “What happened? He already weighed twenty-five pounds the day he was born!”

  The Texas father took a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wiped his lips on his shirt sleeve, leaned toward the bartender and proudly said, “Yep, sure did. Had’m circumcised!”

  SEXUAL HARRASSMENT

  Every morning a man walked up to a woman in his office, stood very close to her, inhaled a big breath of air through his nose, and told her that her hair smelled nice.

  After a week of this she couldn’t stand it anymore and took her complaint to a supervisor in Human Resources.

  Without identifying the guy, she explained what her co-worker was doing and stated that she wanted to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

  The Human Resources supervisor was puzzled by this request and asked, “What is sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

  The woman replied, “It’s Keith… the midget!”

  OSAMA & THE GENIE

  While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up.

  Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, “Master, may I grant you one wish?”

  “You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog. Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything!” barked Bin Laden.

  The shocked genie said, “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”

  Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, “Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. Just do it and be off with you!”

  The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared.

  The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton… and his penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance!

  FIRM IT UP

  One morning a man walked up to his wife while she was making breakfast, pinched her on the butt and said, “You know, if you firmed up we could get rid of your control top panty hose.”

  While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

  The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, “You know, if you firmed these up we could get rid of your support bra.”

  This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place she said, “You know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother!”

  NEWLYWEDS

  Monte and his wife had only been married for two weeks. Although he was very much in love he couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies, so he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

  “Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked Mrs. Monte.

  “I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

  She said, “You want a beer, my love?”

  She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him twenty-five different kinds of beer from a dozen different countries.

  Monte didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lollypop… but at the bar… you know, they have frozen glasses...”

  He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”

  She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting ‘nippley’ just holding it.

  Monte, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious... I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. Okay?”

  “You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?”

  She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d’oeuvres - chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, and egg rolls.

  “But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there’s swearing… dirty words and all that... it kind of reminds me of my days in the Army.”

  “You want dirty words, cutie pie?... Okay… LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR GODDAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, AND YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?”

  NAG, NAG, NAG

  An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, a man named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed, and he was feeling tired and depressed.

  As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, “What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?” and on and on…

  Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

  While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband’s client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

  As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband’s rear view as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

  “They’re not hanging Wright tonight!” she said.

  The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, “For crying out loud woman, don’t you ever stop nagging!?”

  ALL ABOARD!

  After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Manhattan to say hello to his friends.

  Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wassah de treepa?”

 
Luigi said, “Everytinga wassah perfecto except for da traina ride down south.”

  “Whadda you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.

  “Well, we boarda da train at Granna Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa a bigga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nicea cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wassah okey dokey until we getta hungry and open uppa da luncha basket. The conductore comma by, wagga hissa finger at us an say, ‘No eat in dissa car. Musta use a dining car.’”

  “So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hissa finger and say, ‘No drinka in dissa car. Musta use a club a car.’”

  “So, we go to club car. “While drinkin vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he wagga hissa finger again and say, ‘No smokin in dissa car. Musta go to smokin’ car. So we go to smokin’ car and I smoka my biga cigar.”

  “Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hissa voice, ‘Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!’ Nexta time, Ima gonna takea da bus!”

  BASIC MATH

  A man left the following note for his wife:

  My Dear Wife,

  You will surely understand that I have certain needs that a woman of fifty-four years can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my eighteen year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don’t be perturbed. I shall be home before midnight.

  When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

  My Dear Husband,

  I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also fifty-four years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that as you read this I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who like your secretary is eighteen years old. As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics you will understand that we are in the same situation - although with one small difference. Eighteen goes into fifty-four a lot more times than fifty-four goes into eighteen. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow!

  MEDICAL MIRACLE

  An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the man said, “I’ve never felt better. I now have a twenty-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

  The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began, “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out hunting he was in a bit of a hurry, and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went, ‘bang, bang.’ Suddenly two shots rang out, and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?”

  The eighty-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.

  The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

  HARRY

  A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked him, “Harry, what’s your problem?”

  Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade, and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”

  Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Harry to the principal’s office.

  While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave himself. She agreed.

  Harry was brought in, the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test.

  The principal asked, “What is three times three?”

  Harry answered, “Nine.”

  The principal asked, “What is six times six?”

  Harry replied, “Thirty-six.”

  And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.

  The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and told her, “I think Harry can go to the third grade.”

  Ms. Brooks said to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

  The principal and Harry both agreed.

  Ms. Brooks asked, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

  After a moment Harry said, “Legs.”

  Ms. Brooks asked, “What do you have in your pants that I do not have?”

  The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

  Harry replied, “Pockets.”

  Ms. Brooks asked, “What does a dog do, that a man steps into?”

  Harry said, “Pants.”

  Ms. Brooks asked, “What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

  Harry replied, “A coconut.”

  The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

  Ms. Brooks asked, “What goes in hard and pink, and comes out soft and sticky?”

  The principal’s eyes opened really wide, and before he could stop it the answer came.

  Harry answered, “Bubble gum.”

  Ms. Brooks asked, “What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down, and a dog do on three legs?”

  Harry said, “Shake hands.”

  The principal was trembling.

  Ms. Brooks asked, “What word starts with an ‘F,’ ends in ‘UCK,’ and provides a lot of heat and excitement?”

  Harry replied, “Firetruck.”

  The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “I want you to put Harry in the fifth grade. I got the last seven questions wrong......”

  MY FIRST TIME

  I recall my first time with a condom. I was sixteen or so, and went in to buy a package of them. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see I was new at it.

  She handed me the package, and asked if I knew how to wear one.

  I honestly answered, “No”

  So she unwrapped the package, took one out, and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store. It was empty.

  She said, “Just a minute,” walked to the door, and locked it.

  Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse, and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, “Do these excite you?”

  Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

  She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I did so she dropped her skirt, removed her panties, and lay down on a desk.

  “Well, come on,” she said, “We don’t have much time.” So I climbed on top of her.

  It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I couldn’t hold back and POW, I was done within a few moments.

  She looked at me with a frown. “Did you put that condom on first?”

  I said, “I sure did.” And I held up my thumb to show her!

  HUMAN KINDNESS

  A man was sitting on a beach who had tragically lost all of his arms and legs in a recent car accident.

  During the long afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him. Each felt very sorry for the poor man.

  The first woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?”

  The man said. “No,” so she gave him a hug and walked on.

  The second woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”

  The man said, “No,” so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

  The third woman came to him and said,
“Have you ever been fucked?”

  The fellow swallowed hard and said, “No.”

  She said, “Well, you will be when the tide comes in!”

  A GOOD DEAL

  Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up.”

  “Sure,” they said, “You’re more than welcome.”

  So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

  Part way around the course one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”

  “I’m a hit man,” was the reply.

  “You’re joking!” was the response.

  “No, I’m not,” he said as he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”

  “That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.”

  So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

  “Yeah, I can see my house all right! This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.”

  “Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her... and he’s naked too! That bitch!”

  He turned to the hit man and asked, “How much do you charge for a hit?”