Liquor up the Front, Poker in the Rear Read online

  “I do a flat rate. For you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”

  “Can you do two for me now?”

  “Sure, what do you want?”

  “First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor. He’s a friend of mine, a bit of a ladies man, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”

  The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

  “Are you going to do it or not?” said the man impatiently.

  “Just wait a moment, be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here.....”

  LADY GOLFER

  Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city, and it wasn’t quite the same without him.

  A new woman lawyer soon joined their law firm, and one day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.

  Curious, she spoke up. “You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?”

  The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say ‘yes,’ but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but added they would be starting pretty early - at six in the morning. He figured the early tee time would discourage her immediately.

  The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to fifteen minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said it would be okay. She smiled and said, “Good, then I’ll be there either at six or six-fifteen.”

  She showed up right at six-fifteen and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire time, and the guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her, and happily invited her back the following week.

  She smiled and said, “Sure, I’ll be here at six or six-fifteen.”

  The next week she showed up at six-o’clock sharp on Saturday morning. This time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous, as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her left-hand.

  By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn’t figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn’t seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

  In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was fifteen minutes late! This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.

  Finally she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. She was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

  Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple beers after their round, which helped the conversation loosen up.

  Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

  The lady blushed and grinned. She said, “That’s easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice I would pull the covers off him. If his penis was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed. If it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed. All the girls on the team thought this was hysterical.”

  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, “But what if it’s pointed straight up in the air?”

  “Then…” she winked, “I’m fifteen minutes late!”

  BARBIE DOLL

  A little girl was in line to see Santa, and when it was her turn she climbed up on his lap.

  Santa asked, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

  The little girl replied, “I want a Barbie, and a G.I. Joe.”

  Santa looked at the little girl for a moment and said, “I thought Barbie came with Ken?”

  “No,” said the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken!”

  FINISHED?

  A virile young Brazilian man was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rio when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they retired to his bedroom for doing what comes naturally.

  After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, “So... you finish?”

  She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”

  Surprised, the young man reached for her and the love-making resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

  The love-making ended, and again the young man smiled and asked, “You finish?”

  Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him, and softly said, “No.”

  Stunned, but damned if this woman was going to outlast him, the young man reached for her again. Using the last of his strength he barely managed it, but they climaxed simultaneously - wildly screaming, bucking, clawing and twisting the bed sheets.

  The exhausted young man fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly, and asked again, “You finish?”

  Barely able to speak, she whispered in his ear, “No....... I’m Norwegian!”

  SPERM COUNT

  An old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.

  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow.”

  The next day the old man returned to the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

  The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, “Well, doc, it’s like this..... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez’n it between her knees, but still nothing.”

  The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

  The old Man replied, “Yep, but no matter what all of us tried, with our arthritis, we still couldn’t get the damn jar open!”

  THE PEACHES

  An old farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door, and a very pretty young lady dressed in an extremely sheer negligee answered.

  He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

  She pulled the top of the negligee to one side, showing her breast, and asked, “Are they as firm as this?”

  He nodded his head and said, “Yes,” and a little tear ran from his eye.

  Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off while asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?”

  The farmer said, “Yes,” and another tear came from the other eye.

  Then lady then lifted the bottom of her negligee and asked, “And are they as fuzzy as this?”

  He again said, “Yes!” and broke down crying.

  The lady said “What in the world is wrong with you? Why are you crying?”

  Drying his eyes he said, “The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton, and now I�
�m gonna get screwed out of my peaches!”

  THE DILDO

  A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbled as she crossed the store to the register.

  Finally arriving at the counter, and grabbing it for support, she slowly asked the sales clerk, “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

  The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replied, “Yes we do have dildos. Actually, we carry many different models.”

  The old woman then asked, “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...... aaaaaand rrrrrunns by bbaatteries?”

  The clerk responded, “Yes, we do!”

  “Dddddddddooooooo yyyyyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhoww tttoo ttturrrnnn ttttttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff???”

  DRUG RESEARCH

  In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen. The industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of ‘mycoxafloppin.’ Also considered were ‘mycoxafailin,’ ‘mydixadrupin,’ ‘dixafix,’ ‘mydixarin,’ ‘mydixadud,’ and of course, ‘ibepokin.’

  Pfizer Inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi’s ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, they can no longer call this a ‘soft drink.’ This additive gives a new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of ‘Mount & Do.’

  It should also be noted that over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. It is believed that as the population ages, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and giant erections who can’t seem to remember what to do with them!

  DEVIL OF A DEAL

  One day in the future Jesse Jackson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

  “I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves. You’ll be taking their place of course.”

  Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing empty handed. Over, and over, and over, he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

  “No,” Jesse said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

  The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was John Kerry with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

  “No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Jesse.

  The devil opened a third door. Through it Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, and she was giving him a blow job.

  Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this!”

  The devil smiled and said… “Okay Monica, you’re free to go!”

  HAPPY BIRTHDAY

  A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, and after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note - romantic, but not too personal.

  Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

  While they were there the sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

  “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

  These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on you for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

  When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

  P.S .- The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!”

  CHEAP DIAGNOSIS

  One day Pete complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

  His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do. It only costs ten dollars.”

  Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the money.

  The computer started making some noise and lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

  You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, and avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

  That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited ten dollars.

  The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis:

  Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

  Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

  Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

  Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

  And if you don’t stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!

  LITTLE GENIE

  Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar. He didn’t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

  “I sure do,” he replied as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a ten-inch Bic lighter.

  “Wow!” he exclaimed, “where did you get that monster?”

  “I got it from my genie.”

  “You have a genie?” he asked.

  “Yes, he’s right here in my pocket.”

  “Could I see him?”

  The friend then reached into his pocket and pulled out a very small genie.

  The man said, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”

  “Yes I will,” the genie said, so the man asked him for a million bucks. The genie then hopped back into his master’s pocket and left the man standing there waiting for his money.

  About that time a duck walked into the bar,
followed by another. Then more ducks came pouring in. Before long the entire bar had ducks everywhere. The man looked at his buddy, “What is going on here? I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!”

  His friend answered, “I forgot to tell you, the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a ten-inch Bic?”

  A FAIRY TALE

  Cinderella wanted to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother wouldn’t let her.

  As she sat crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appeared and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needed to go to the ball - but only on two conditions.

  “First, you must wear a diaphragm.”

  Cinderella agreed.

  “Second, you must be home by two AM. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin.”

  Cinderella agreed, but when the appointed hour came she didn’t show up.

  Finally at five AM Cinderella arrived, looking love struck and very satisfied.

  “Where have you been?” demanded the Fairy Godmother. “Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!”

  “I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything.”

  The Fairy Godmother stated, “I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!”

  Cinderella replied, “I can’t remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other…”